S.

Sometimes I'm no longer clear, whether it was a choice or rather a mistake I've made. Perhaps I should never have allowed myself to waver, perhaps I should have just stood firm instead of giving in. Perhaps I should have put more thought into it, more that what I already did.

There are just so, so many complications and problems. Which I am now pretty sure that I'm not capable of dealing with. Not ready to accept and embrace them. Which makes me feel tiny, undeserving and inadequate. And I'm utterly ashamed of myself. I guess with you, I sometimes focus on the little negative things and I fail to see the bigger picture. And I really really, can't help it myself.

I know I made this choice/mistake on my own, and I have no one to blame but myself. I know we can't have the best of both worlds. But what if I'm no longer sure that this is the world that I want?

Lately I've been feel moody really easily. Like a sad song or two can really make me sink into my own world, where I become taciturn and detached. But most people probably don't even realise because I've always been soft-spoken and quiet. I don't really know what's happening either, too much free time in my hands?

Anyway, uni application has been really a headache for me. Before I got my results, I was so sure of Accountancy, I really wanted to get into that course. Yet after I received my results, I felt lost. I didn't know what it was that I really want to do for the rest of my life. I knew what my dream was, but I was afraid to pursue it, afraid of the risks I would be taking. It was really a choice between security and passion.

After talking to a few people (and thank you to those who encouraged me), I finally set my mind. I took a step of faith and chose to do what I'm passionate about. I really don't know how things might work out and where I will be in years to come, but I shall just have faith and see what comes next. I'm really excited for this new phase of my life :-) I hope everyone figures out what they want in life and bravely pursue it too!

In the next few months to come, I hope to experience things that I'll never get to, have a crazy holiday and do meaningful things. Sadly my parents may never let me go on a mission trip. It's going to be one of my greatest regrets in life if I never get to do it :(


And you've been in my mind too often lately.

Locking my journal from now on, so that people can get a life and stop snooping around. :)

Wow. I never knew you read my LJ. Either that or some fat bitch is informing you again.
I"m sorry if I got the wrong idea and misunderstood. You may never acknowledge what you did, but I will always remember how you tried to come in between us a very long time ago. You don't know how much damage you've done to both of our lives (in different ways of course).  Really disgusted by how you still can feel that you're all high and mighty and have done nothing wrong. As much as you want this game to end, I want it to end as well.

Problems, uncertainties, insecurity. All these strike one after another and I can really feel everything crumbling down. All the every bit of effort we've put in, seems to have gone to waste. I don't feel happy anymore and I don't know why; Just feel so disheartened right now and I know you feel the same. It hasn't been very long, only one month and we, or rather, I, screwed up our First month so badly yesterday. I really wanted us to last this time round, but it seems that nightmares from the past are repeating itself. It's definitely not helping that your ex girlfriend is trying to ask you to give me up for her. Definitely not helping.

I'm sorry if I've been complacent and taking things for granted. Probably it's all these things that are weighing down on me and thus I don't feel that happy anymore. I do want to learn how to treasure things and not cry over split milk after everything is over and cannot be salvaged. I wish I had the power to influence and change everything, but maybe i don't have to wish, maybe I could make that happen if I try hard enough.

Give it your best shot Seeyi. Try and turn things around, it's time you do something.

Hope the short meeting later turns out okay.

Because we're worth giving it another best shot. :)
It doesn't matter whatever anyone else says, I still feel the same.

More happy days to come! 

You're confusing me again.
I find myself waiting and waiting for you to do what you said you'd. But I always wait in vain. Why do you always keep me waiting?

I find myself looking forward to your calls. And that's bad, really bad. I'm really really confused.

Why now, when it was so hard for me to reach this decision I've made today?

No more sleepless nights where I'll cry. No more emoing of any kind.

I called him last night and told him everything I needed to, and from today onwards, I'm going to let go and move forward. We can't always linger in the past hoping we could turn time can we? Cause we all know it's never gonna happen.

I won't be waiting for you to look at me again anymore. The spot I've always reserved for you in my heart shall not be anymore. I'd stop pinning for you to come back, I'll be a happy girl again. At least  now that I've gotten everything off my chest, I guess I do feel slightly better.

Guess after being through all these for so long, I'd come back stronger and more mature. I hope so.

You'll always be my memory. :)

I keep finding myself thinking of you lately. That's bad, no?

When asked this question today, "If you can be someone else, who would you want to be?"
I didn't answer her, but I inside my heart I whispered, "Her, so that you can love me the way you love her."

I should forget you.

If only I was a forgetful girl. then I wouldn't remember things so clearly.

It's like everything I see in my room, I think of you. I wouldn't see that object on it own, I'd remember this entire story about that object. And I'd remember all the times you were nice and sweet to me. And then it gets tougher and tougher, remembering the good days.

I just really feel this void in my heart. I don't know if I still like you or what. But it just seems really hard to accept the fact that we're two separate individuals now. Sometimes I'd miss having you around, you know? Like you've been around since forever. 

When I had problems in school or at home, at least when I had you around, I could tell you all about it. I could cry like hell and hug you and you would try to say things or give solutions to make my day better. But now that you're gone, I've to face everything alone, and I must say it gets tough..

You probably don't know, but sometimes I blame myself for not trying hard enough, for being so lousy compared to her, for not being able to do what she can to you.

I don't want to be like this either, but I really need to let things out.. This seems the best way.

Enough whining, time to do gp.