Somtimes I just plain hate you.

I must be really stupid to think that, a few smiles here and there, means I'm doing good. So wrong. So so wrong. You're far away from me and it doesn't matter whether you're physically right next to me. Because there just simply isn't a difference.

I lack the courage to tell you in your face to stay away from me and leave me alone. (I've been longing to do that sometimes when the pain gets too intense) I JUST WANT A NORMAL LIFEEEEEEE.

OH GOD. I'm going crazy because I'm so darn upset now and there's no one to talk to.
SOMETIMES SERIOUSLY, FML.

If you call treading on others being strong, you're pathetic. Yep, last night felt like the lowest point of my life. I've never faced such painful insults - the power of words stuns me. I believe you knew where you were going, doing what you did last night. What I find hard to believe is that you actually harboured such intentions against me. That's so scary, you scare the shit out of me.

Somehow the gentle look in your eyes were gone, the way you can soothe me with your words wasn't there. All's left was the monster in you, and you callously treated the heart I placed in your hands. So now tell me, now you've broken me in every way you could, who's gonna pick me up again?

I was wrong, but did I really deserve that? I guess it doesn't matter now. Despite the image I wanted to keep of you is ruined now, I wish you the best. Take care.

(L) Seeyi

As much as you crave care concern and love, so do I. I am but only another human. There's only so much I can do, can endure and give. If you keep breaking me in every way that you can, who's going to be the one who gather pieces of me and put me back on my feet again?

Apparently I don't mean as much to you as you do to me.

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhh. If only with each great big sigh you heave your worries leave you.
I'm like, so so so confused now, and sometimes I wished I knew what I was doing. Wished I could be more brave a girl and learn to let things go for good. Sometimes, honestly, I despise myself for having so little faith, so little courage.

I just wanna be happy. Wonder why sometimes when you only want simple things, complicated stuff comes knocking on your door. Cause baby, you know, you tug on my heartstrings way too much, and now they're all tangled. I'm at a loss and sometimes I just wanna get away and go to another land. 

Is it stupid to go on with something you know that's bad for you in the long run, because your mind is totally engulfed with greed for the momentary happiness?

Baby, tell me why.

AHAHAHA. Sometimes I just laugh out loud at myself. How ridiculous can I be?
That's not you. That can't be you. How can I even mistake you to be my beloved?

My baby doesn't talk like that. He doesn't do things this way. He's not as nasty as you.
So who are you?

Do you even know?

Baby tell me why you have changed to become this way?
I was always slightly more comforted to hear that you're smiling and happy, despite whether I like what you're doing. Seeing, and knowing that you're so miserable now really pains me. Especially since I can do absolutely nothing to help you or make you smile. Gosh do you have any idea how painful that is?

I don't understand, I've been yearning for you for so long, yet it only comes when I've decided to loosen my grip and walk another way. Funny how love likes to make a fool out of us, don't you agree?

I've been trying so hard to remember specific things about you, because memories and images of you have become so blur, worsened when my tears further blur them. So I gave up trying to remember, letting all these things slip by me. I forgot how it's like to miss you, to feel you nearby, and things related to you.

I can't stand knowing you're unhappy, yet having to act like I don't care. You know I figured, I don't hate you at all. That it isn't like what I'll think, that I can just scorn and not give a damn.

I can't baby, I just can't.

You probably will never understand. But once bitten twice shy. I'll protect myself this time, no matter what. Even if I'll have to hurt you. Because you did it to me first.

Well, today was my last day of school. Man, just in the blink of an eye, four years have passed.
Four years. I wonder how I've grown not just physically (yes I did grow taller) and mentally. It seems just like yesterday when I first stepped into this building. Well I know as much as I've said I don't love the school, I know damn well I'm gonna miss everything like crazy.

The friends who put endless smiles on my face each day
The yellow classroom which seems dull (yet bright since it's yellow) on the outside, but actually containing all the joy and laughter and tears we all shared
Queueing for orange bowl, chit-chatting all the way, exchanging the latest gossip (with Gwenn around, man what can you not learn!)
Mocking at the teachers (the best seat is right in front of the teacher's table where I am was sitting these days

I so gonna miss alllll of these man.

St. Nicholas has become a place I'm accustomed to, the way it works, the way people are in there, yet now, it's time for a change in environment yet again. Of course I'm kinda worried, since I take quite some time to settle into a new environment. But well, till then I'm gonna treasure all the times I have with everyone around me.





Well, well, I really don't know. Feeling really confused about things now, I wonder why you can make me feel this way. My emotions are in a whirl now and I really don't know what to think.

Can anyone, for once, see me as Seeyi and not who you're taking me for?
I wonder if you know how sad it is to not be seen as yourself but someone else. Honestly I am totally sick of it and I never want to experience it anymore.

But what if, I only broke out of this cycle to realise that I've come back to the starting point of the same cycle?
I don't want a repeat, I never want to feel the pain I felt, and I'm gonna do all it takes to protect myself this time.

How are you?

What the fuck. I am feeling terrible enough and I don't need quarrels on my livejournal,. the only place where I even let things out. Let me have a chance at life, okay?

Friend-locking this journal.

I can't believe I'm still thinking about you. I know very well that I've given up hope on you, and that what's best for me now is to fall out of love with you. Nonetheless I know I'm being an idiot by knowing all about what's going on on your side, while you know nuts, without even caring to bother. Honestly, I don't know what you're thinking and I know nothing would make you even care about what you're doing even if it hurts me. You don't bother, and I should stop bothering before it's all too much to bear.

I marvel at how much you have changed (or perhaps I have just realised who you really are) and I can hardly believe it. I don't even think I know who you are know. And you don't know how much this unfamiliarity hurts.

Assssssshole, But I miss you :(

That's it, no turning back ever.

Bye.

Goodbye My Love - 8eight

Hello, how are are you?
Is your face still cute like before..
Pouring out my late regards and my late farewells, I write..

I wonder if you’ll simply ask me why it’s a letter
When messages on mini homepages are more common
Firmly, I pick up my pen.. just in case I can’t convey my heart
I feel like I can’t do this any other way
It was really hard. when I loved you,
Nothing happened the way I wanted it to
I keep promising myself to stop bothering you
That even though I wait until death, you won’t come

Goodbye, my love. I’ll let you go now.
The remembrances and the memories, I’ll forget them all
I’ll erase and erase and empty out every drop of love
from my heart

One time, just one more time, if I am to see you again, how nice would that be..
This lingering attachment, these tears, I’ll erase everything

The saying that as we drift apart, the hearts drift apart as well
Is of no use to me, it’s all lies
Everyday, I become more and more worn out.. I’m sorry for causing you trouble
Everyday, I ask myself, “Can’t we go back?”
Even if I wring out my distressed heart and cry out, you can’t hear
Now,
at the end of our memories, after I’ve realized our separation,
I’ll let you go from my heart.. goodbye

Goodbye, my love. I’ll let you go now.
The remembrances and the memories, I’ll forget them all
I’ll erase and erase and empty out every drop of love
from my heart

I thought I would forget you as time goes by
but you keep finding your way into my heart again and again

I can’t.. I can’t let go of my love
I have to forget you, you
No matter how much I try to erase
I guess you’re the only one for me
I’m sorry

Can't believe how songs can describe your inner feelings so well. Goodbye B.
Smile, yeah?

You said it wouldn't hurt. You promised to take good care of my heart. You lied.

I know that they say, the person whom you love the most hurts you the most.
But I never knew I could hurt like this.

I'm feeling so, so much better today.
Like, life's not too bad, it's simple and not turbulent (according to Mrs Tian, another word for ups and downs), but it's relaxing.
Finally, I learnt to see things in the past as beautiful memories, and just a part of me that I would like to lock up.

Beautiful, they are.

I try to not think. But when I'm left alone, vulnerable to memories that creep back into my mind, I can't do it.
I know I shouldn't live in the past anymore, and that things have changed, it's time to get on with life that's ahead of me. But, it's just so hard. The most cruel thing is that people change, feelings change, yet the memories which stay with me are always, always the same.

Hell, I don't know how I can ever put things behind me, because each time there's a feeling tugging at me, and I would always turn back to look at what I will leave behind, and decide that I can't do it.

I wished I was stronger. But from today on, I'll be trying my best.

Goodbye, love.


 

They say, if you love someone, you want that person to be happy right?
Does that apply if it means bringing yourself misery?

Sometimes I just wished I was strong-willed enough to give myself a chance to put everything behind me and just go forward. But then again, maybe I'm just a coward, that's all.

When am I gonna wake up?

Suddenly I feel this strong yearning to go to church, but I know I won't last long :(
It just doesn't suit me.

:( :( :(

It's been some time since I've let things out here.
Funny enough, many things have changed. Nothing's as simple and sweet anymore

The holidays have been rather busy, with lessons holding our time captive for the first two weeks. And poof when I finally want to settle down, next week's the last week of the holidays.
I've missed my lasat Guides camp, to my surprise I can't say that I don't feel a tiny bit of regret. The only camp I went for was three years ago and I look back to say shamefully that I have accomplished almost nothing at all.

Upcoming tests and never-ending homework are starting to take its toll on me, I start to worry what I will do when there so many things to do and not enough time to go round at all.

I don't really know what I am doing at all, right now. I don't see any clear path ahead, and what the future holds is blur and uncertain. I still haven't found and established any goal for myself and I feel totally worthless when I think of that.
I don't think I can put enough of myself in everything and I just wished I can put my heart mind soul (ha yeah) into one particular thing and excel in it.

I'm not a monster. I'm not a weakling either. I'm not hopeless, whatever you say, I'll prove you wrong.
I'll make sure you regret one day.